I am born again, out of the lion’s den

29 Jun

I moved to Florida for many reasons, mostly financial, somewhat marital, but also to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I remember a conversation I had with my one of best friends after telling her the news and she told me (in so many words) “Not to go, but if I had to go she would understand” she wanted to know why and I very simply said “I am not happy.” And maybe that didn’t describe what was going on exactly in my mind, maybe those weren’t the best words to use but they were the only ones I knew how to use. It isn’t that my life in Augusta was horrible, on the contrary it was wonderful, it wasn’t that I didn’t love my job, because I did and I miss it daily, it wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy being near my family or that I didn’t have (and still do have) amazing friends, it was more so that I had grown complacent. I had a need within myself I wasn’t fulfilling and I felt deep in my heart that moving to Florida would somehow be a step in the right direction.

This week I was made very aware that my move to Florida was what God wanted me to do. I know in my heart that no matter the circumstances, no matter how hard and terrifying this experience has and will continue to be, that I needed to do this and this happened for a reason.

One of the many changes I have made since moving here has been adding running to my daily routine. I never thought I would enjoy running but I do. Actually I am in love with it. I don’t think anything I have ever done has given me such clarity, and that is something I definitely need right now. This morning about 10 minutes into my run I started crying – there are many reasons but I feel like internally I have learned so much about myself this past month and even in this past week, that I am overwhelmed with self actualization.

I think that I can sum up part of this with a quote I recently heard from HBO’s Girls which really resonated with me:

No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay? So any mean thing someone is going to think of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last half hour.”

Sounds pitiful doesn’t it. I spend so much time beating my self up. I’ve never felt pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, THIN enough. I have always felt like a complete loser on the inside. It never mattered how many people told me I was beautiful, I was smart, they were proud of me… it never was enough for me to really believe it, because just as you can’t make someone love you, no one can make you love yourself.

Last night I was having a conversation (with the same friend mentioned above) and she said to me, “Do you know how funny you are? How amazing you are? How badly I wish I could be in the same state as you because you are so amazing? What I would give to have you near me again?” and this morning on my run that is what hit me, I don’t know. And I don’t know why loving myself has been so hard for me, especially because loving others has always come very naturally, but I do know that things are changing and that I now am beginning to realize my strengths.

Obviously this is a process but I think I can safely say this morning on my run I was born again and I know what needs to change within myself in order for me to live the life I was meant to live.

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4 Responses to “I am born again, out of the lion’s den”

  1. Anna June 29, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    “Love yourself first and everything falls into line.” -Lucille Ball

  2. Anna Mikell July 3, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    I know exactly what you mean! We moved to Gainesville for a lot of the same reasons. I still miss Augusta, my family and my job every day but I feel like I’ve grown so much in the past year and a half. Glad things are coming along for you in Tampa. If you’re ever up near Gainesville we should definitely get together! 🙂

    • graceinman July 3, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

      Thanks for the comment Anna 🙂 I will definitely let you know if we are in Gainesville and you do the same if you are ever in the Tampa Bay Area!

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