Who am I? What am I doing here? And why do you hate me?

16 Jun

Moving here took a huge leap of faith on my part. I know it shocked husband completely when I agreed to make the move for his career. After all part of our marital agreement was that we would never ever leave Augusta, my hometown, and the second third love of my life (Natalie is the second love of my life). I had established a career, that I never saw my self leaving, I had made lifelong friends and my entire family lived right up the road… why would we leave?

But one thing I have learned during our almost two years of marriage is that once you say “I do” you are no longer the center of your own universe. You start thinking more about we than me and somehow this train of thought makes you happier in the long run.

When husband shyly brought up the idea of moving to Florida for a job opportunity I shocked myself at my ability to let go of preconceived notions of how my life would be in order to do what was best for our marriage. And so a few months later a formal job offer was made and I was letting my employer (who I love like a second mother, btw) know that I would be leaving.

During my last month or so in Augusta I was so excited about the move, excited about the opportunities that awaited us in sunny Florida.. what would our home be like? Where would I get a job? What sort of fun adventures would we go in in our new city? Of course I was devastated to leave my friends, family, and job behind but I felt like St. Petersburg was where I needed to be. I am a strong believer in signs and I had plenty that this move was meant to be.

Now two weeks into my move I am unemployed and my inbox is being filled with rejection letters. I feel like I was completely delusional to think that finding a job during the recession would be easy. Furthermore job searching reminds me of dating which I was HORRIBLE at. Every interview and communication I have with potential employers feels like a game of cat and mouse. You don’t want to act to desperate but to much confidence is a turn off as well. Employers tell you they will contact you within the week and then three weeks later you are waiting by your email wondering should I call them? Are they wanting me to be more aggressive? If I email them will I come off as desperate? It is a complete mind game.

Every day husband comes home from work and says “How was the job hunt today?” and I want to respond “It was horrible you need to put me on suicide watch because this shit is getting rough.” or sometimes I just say “Why does everyone HATE ME.” Husband is a total optimist though. He is always telling me “don’t take things personally you have no idea why they picked the candidate they did”. I know he is probably right but it is hard to NOT take rejection personally especially when so much of what I considered to be my identity related to my career in Augusta.

I try to take this whole job hunt thing one day at a time though. My in-laws are being very patient with me while I look for a job (God Bless them) and my husband is my biggest supporter. I hear everyday from my friends and family “The perfect job will come along.” “Someone will see what a gem you are and snatch you up” which is totally sweet and also what I need to hear (so keep it coming people).

So maybe today was rough, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. And hopefully tomorrow won’t bring another rejection email, especially one that says “they will pass on me” (YES this happened and YES I am bitter.) but if it does at least I have the best support system EVER and at least I live three miles from the beach. Things will fall into place eventually and until then I will just have to work hard to keep a positive attitude.

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