Archive | June, 2012

I am born again, out of the lion’s den

29 Jun

I moved to Florida for many reasons, mostly financial, somewhat marital, but also to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I remember a conversation I had with my one of best friends after telling her the news and she told me (in so many words) “Not to go, but if I had to go she would understand” she wanted to know why and I very simply said “I am not happy.” And maybe that didn’t describe what was going on exactly in my mind, maybe those weren’t the best words to use but they were the only ones I knew how to use. It isn’t that my life in Augusta was horrible, on the contrary it was wonderful, it wasn’t that I didn’t love my job, because I did and I miss it daily, it wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy being near my family or that I didn’t have (and still do have) amazing friends, it was more so that I had grown complacent. I had a need within myself I wasn’t fulfilling and I felt deep in my heart that moving to Florida would somehow be a step in the right direction.

This week I was made very aware that my move to Florida was what God wanted me to do. I know in my heart that no matter the circumstances, no matter how hard and terrifying this experience has and will continue to be, that I needed to do this and this happened for a reason.

One of the many changes I have made since moving here has been adding running to my daily routine. I never thought I would enjoy running but I do. Actually I am in love with it. I don’t think anything I have ever done has given me such clarity, and that is something I definitely need right now. This morning about 10 minutes into my run I started crying – there are many reasons but I feel like internally I have learned so much about myself this past month and even in this past week, that I am overwhelmed with self actualization.

I think that I can sum up part of this with a quote I recently heard from HBO’s Girls which really resonated with me:

No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay? So any mean thing someone is going to think of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last half hour.”

Sounds pitiful doesn’t it. I spend so much time beating my self up. I’ve never felt pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, THIN enough. I have always felt like a complete loser on the inside. It never mattered how many people told me I was beautiful, I was smart, they were proud of me… it never was enough for me to really believe it, because just as you can’t make someone love you, no one can make you love yourself.

Last night I was having a conversation (with the same friend mentioned above) and she said to me, “Do you know how funny you are? How amazing you are? How badly I wish I could be in the same state as you because you are so amazing? What I would give to have you near me again?” and this morning on my run that is what hit me, I don’t know. And I don’t know why loving myself has been so hard for me, especially because loving others has always come very naturally, but I do know that things are changing and that I now am beginning to realize my strengths.

Obviously this is a process but I think I can safely say this morning on my run I was born again and I know what needs to change within myself in order for me to live the life I was meant to live.

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Okay I am going to get all sappy on you – brace yourself.

21 Jun

When we were given our move day of June 1st I sort of cringed. 20 days before my 26th birthday. Woof.

I am pretty much used to spending my birthday laying on Edisto Beach in a drunken stupor, ordering copious amounts of pizza (getting it “delivered” to the beach), followed by birthday shots and dancing ON the bar at Coots. Classy I know. But that is how I roll and that is what I love, what can I say.

Honestly the thought of spending my birthday away from the typical debauchery I am used to made me want to throw myself off of the Sky Way Bridge. I had convinced myself that everyone would forget about me… stupid I know… but everyone has a pity party every now and then right?

Well you people sure know how to prove a girl wrong. I was floored by how loved I felt yesterday. It was one of my best birthdays and I really love all you bitches.

My amazing day was topped off my the most delicious four course dinner at Melting Pot (I don’t think I will eat for a week), a card that made me sob my eyes out, and a beautiful bromelaid ( I am so not a rose kinda girl fyi) compliments of my thoughtful husband. PLUS this weekend he is taking me to the zoo, which is really icing on the top of the cake because my Aunt Tiffany and her gorgeous amazing kids took me to Busch gardens with them Tuesday for my birthday so I am getting two animal experiences in one week… and I love animals.

So thanks for making me feel special and loved it means more than you could know!

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I miss the gypsies, I mean “Irish Travelers”

16 Jun

I mean I miss them something serious. If you know me IRL (in real life, get with it people) you know I am pretty psychotically obsessed with this sub culture. I mean what is there not to love? They have big hair, crazy ass customs, they speak their own language, AND they don’t generally talk to or associate with outsiders. I took this as a challenge.\

But it is no fun to stalk the gypsies on Facebook or even talk with them because I know they are 8 hours away. I mean what good is it to know that they are going looping tonight and Farrah got a mag new dress if I can’t drive down Augusta Hwy to see this all for myself. Farrah is my favorite “Irish Traveler” btw. They do NOT like to be called gypsies.

I think I am missing them so much that I have become delusional. Last night I went to my cousin’s dance recital and I thought I saw an irish traveler, sadly she is just a hottie with big hair. SO SAD for me.

I need to find a subculture down here to infiltrate and obsess over. I will be on the look out.. Let me know if you have any brilliant ideas. 

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Who am I? What am I doing here? And why do you hate me?

16 Jun

Moving here took a huge leap of faith on my part. I know it shocked husband completely when I agreed to make the move for his career. After all part of our marital agreement was that we would never ever leave Augusta, my hometown, and the second third love of my life (Natalie is the second love of my life). I had established a career, that I never saw my self leaving, I had made lifelong friends and my entire family lived right up the road… why would we leave?

But one thing I have learned during our almost two years of marriage is that once you say “I do” you are no longer the center of your own universe. You start thinking more about we than me and somehow this train of thought makes you happier in the long run.

When husband shyly brought up the idea of moving to Florida for a job opportunity I shocked myself at my ability to let go of preconceived notions of how my life would be in order to do what was best for our marriage. And so a few months later a formal job offer was made and I was letting my employer (who I love like a second mother, btw) know that I would be leaving.

During my last month or so in Augusta I was so excited about the move, excited about the opportunities that awaited us in sunny Florida.. what would our home be like? Where would I get a job? What sort of fun adventures would we go in in our new city? Of course I was devastated to leave my friends, family, and job behind but I felt like St. Petersburg was where I needed to be. I am a strong believer in signs and I had plenty that this move was meant to be.

Now two weeks into my move I am unemployed and my inbox is being filled with rejection letters. I feel like I was completely delusional to think that finding a job during the recession would be easy. Furthermore job searching reminds me of dating which I was HORRIBLE at. Every interview and communication I have with potential employers feels like a game of cat and mouse. You don’t want to act to desperate but to much confidence is a turn off as well. Employers tell you they will contact you within the week and then three weeks later you are waiting by your email wondering should I call them? Are they wanting me to be more aggressive? If I email them will I come off as desperate? It is a complete mind game.

Every day husband comes home from work and says “How was the job hunt today?” and I want to respond “It was horrible you need to put me on suicide watch because this shit is getting rough.” or sometimes I just say “Why does everyone HATE ME.” Husband is a total optimist though. He is always telling me “don’t take things personally you have no idea why they picked the candidate they did”. I know he is probably right but it is hard to NOT take rejection personally especially when so much of what I considered to be my identity related to my career in Augusta.

I try to take this whole job hunt thing one day at a time though. My in-laws are being very patient with me while I look for a job (God Bless them) and my husband is my biggest supporter. I hear everyday from my friends and family “The perfect job will come along.” “Someone will see what a gem you are and snatch you up” which is totally sweet and also what I need to hear (so keep it coming people).

So maybe today was rough, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. And hopefully tomorrow won’t bring another rejection email, especially one that says “they will pass on me” (YES this happened and YES I am bitter.) but if it does at least I have the best support system EVER and at least I live three miles from the beach. Things will fall into place eventually and until then I will just have to work hard to keep a positive attitude.

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First Post

16 Jun

I haven’t really had a personal blog which I committed myself to since probably freshman year of college when “Live Journal” was the next big thing, mostly because I haven’t had the time and secondly because I’ve didn’t know what to write about. Recently I picked up my things and moved with my husband 8 ½ hours away from my hometown – all of my friends, immediate family, and a career I loved immensely… and lately I have felt like maybe I do have a relevant voice… maybe the path I am on right now is something people might be interested in hearing… after all I am in my mid-20s still trying to figure out who I am, unemployed during a huge recession, and I am completely out of my comfort zone.. but before you subscribe to my blog I want to forewarn you I plan on being completely and utterly unfiltered in my approach to this blog. If you know me and know me well in “real life” you already know this is how I am generally speaking.

This will basically be my candid reaction to my life and the world around me. I hope you find it interesting. I hope that the people I love back home but can’t talk to every day can read this and see what is going on with me… and I hope that maybe I can make some new friends in St. Petersburg through this new venture.

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